New Austin Residents to Receive Free Podcast, Stand-up Set
Citing a desire to stimulate continued growth of Austin and offset a high cost of living, Mayor Kirk Watson announced at a press conference on Tuesday an ambitious new plan to attract more of the twenty-and-thirty-something young professionals who have fueled Austin’s expansion in the last several years.
“It’s no secret that Austin is growing beyond simply being the Live Music Capital of the World,” Watson said. “When Joe Rogan moved here, we moved up. We’re going to be the Live Comedy Capital of the World, too.”
Starting this month and extending all the way until 2028, every new Austin resident will receive a podcast starter kit and a voucher for a free 15-minute stand-up set at any venue in town. The program will be backdated so that anyone who has already moved to Austin in 2023 can benefit as well.
“This is like the new Gold Rush,” Watson said, with a sly grin. “People who were doctors and lawyers in 1848 suddenly left it all to become gold miners in 1849. And I think we’re seeing the same thing now. Why be an engineer and contribute something meaningful to society when you can record pointless conversations with your idiot friends? I’m not going to stand in the way of that.” He picked up a microphone from the sample podcast kit on a table next to him. “This is the tool now. We’re saying, ‘Come on over, here’s your pickaxe. Start mining.’”
The podcast starter kit will include basic equipment and a guide on how to record, edit, and distribute the podcast.
“This is serious stuff,” Watson beamed, gesturing toward a slide deck highlighting some of the content of the podcast starter kit. “It may cost you about $600,000 to buy a home here, but once you get your first sponsorship deal with HelloFresh, well that’s a boon toward your mortgage payment right there.”
I reached out to some new Austinites to get their reactions to the news.
“I was elated,” said Ramón Vargas, 33, who recently moved from Oklahoma City for a new job at the Tesla Gigafactory. “Me and my wife have been wanting to start a podcast for so long, and actually on the drive down here, it just clicked.”
Chantel, Ramón’s wife, added, “Yeah, we were driving through the Panhandle, and we got tired of listening to podcasts, so we just started talking, trying to entertain ourselves.” She grinned and tapped Ramón on the shoulder. “You got on this one really funny bit about windmills, right?”
Ramón reared his head back, laughing. “Yeah, it was something like, how can they move in the wind? They’re so big. Like, there’s no way the wind is powering those things. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t remember everything I said, but it was funny.”
“I don’t remember it at all, but it was so funny,” Chantel agreed. “And we decided right then and there, we wanted to make our podcast a reality. We’ve listened to so many, we really feel like we can do it.”
Other Austin residents were similarly thrilled with the stand-up voucher. Tanner Tatum and his roommate Kip Harris, both 26 and MBA students at UT, were eager at its prospects to boost their stand-up careers.
“Bro, we’ve been working hard,” Tanner said, slamming a fist into his open palm. “I’m so fired up—like, let’s go!” He lifted his backwards cap to smooth a hand over his wavy hair. “We’ve done like, five open mics, so we’re ready to move up to the next level.”
Kip Harris nodded along. “Everyone here wants to be funny, you know? We’re all going to be on each other’s podcasts, once we all get them started.”
Tanner cut in. “Bro, he’s being modest. Kip is the one killing it right now. He’s got this one joke about how much rizz the Buc-ee’s mascot has, and it just absolutely crushes.”
Kip lowers his head and nods sheepishly.
“I don’t want to give away the punchline or anything, but, like, it’s for sure the closer to his set.” Tanner paced around the room, full of energy. “Normally we’d have to put in a lot of hard work for a 15-minute set, but now we just get that for free. I’m, like, all in. I’m hype.”
But not everyone is so certain the move is beneficial, especially when it comes to addressing Austin’s cost of living.
“I mean, I love comedy as much as anyone, but what does this have to do with my rent?” Shelly Burgess, a 45-year-old mother of two, said as we talked during a lull in her shift at H-E-B. “This is silly. I want to be able to afford a home, not listen to some teenager ramble on a podcast. How is this doing anything for the city?” She looked over at the produce department, which she manages. “I’m very grateful to work for H-E-B. They do great things for this community. In fact, I wish they were in charge of government here. They’d get it right.” She laughed. “Remember the ice storm? Greg Abbot and Steve Adler weren’t the ones saving our asses. It was H-E-B.”
When I asked for her thoughts on how to address Austin’s cost of living, her eyes lit up. “Oh, I could write you a novel. But maybe it’s better if I start a podcast about it—that way, I can get the mayor’s attention.”
At the conference, I pressed Mayor Watson to explain in financial terms how a podcast starter kit and stand-up voucher would materially address the cost of living in Austin.
“I mean, I’m not a fortune teller,” Watson said. “I can’t say this is magically going to solve all our problems. But I do know that these young folks can supplement their income through podcast advertising, selling merch, performing stand-up—that’s all going to boost our economy. With every podcast there’s potential for someone to start a small entertainment business. More comedians means more traffic in bars in restaurants. We could have 5 more Joe Rogans here in the next 5 years. I look at this as an investment. Everyone’s going to have more money in their pocket when this pays off. And we’re all going to laugh a lot more, too, so maybe that’s the answer. Isn’t laughter the best form of medicine, after all?”
Amid a flurry of follow-up questions, Watson waved his arms, indicating that the conference was over. “That’s all I have time for today, folks. We’ll be sending out more information soon.” He started to walk away but then turned and leaned back into the microphone.
“Oh, and by the way, this announcement was sponsored by HelloFresh.” He winked. “Use the offer code WATSON15 at checkout and save 15% on your first order.”
Editor’s note: In an effort to combat misinformation, The Austin Bluebonnet proudly labels its satire and other fictional content as such. This is a work of fiction. We made this up, either for fun, or because there’s some nugget of truth for you to think about, or both.
